Weekend filled with emotion

The past week has been filled with a large range of emotions. I was going to write a post last Friday night, then Saturday morning, then Sunday night...I still find it a bit hard. As many of you who read this blog know, Ross Moroz committed suicide last Wednesday. Ross was a close friend of mine growing up (we've knew each other since we were babies). I didn't find out until Friday morning but it started a torrent of emotion. Since this event sparked the strongest reaction, I thought I'd start with it.

Grief: This is a pretty obvious one. I grieve for myself because of the loss of a special person and someone who was a good friend. I grieve also for his parents who remain close with mine, and his sister who I count as a friend. No family should ever have to go through this and I extend my deepest condolences to both his family and his friends.

Regret: This wasn't so obvious at first but now becomes a bit more apparent. I lost touch with Ross a bit in the last few years. In high school he decided to go to school in Edmonton instead of Devon, our home town, and he lost touch a bit with some of us there. With our families being close, we managed to stay in contact but it wasn't quite the same. In University we walked different paths but managed to run into each other on campus enough that we stayed in contact. The regret comes with losing contact with a great guy like Ross. I know I can't keep in contact with everyone but I feel like I could have made more of an effort just to reconnect with him every few months or so.

Anger: A common reaction in some situations like this. It is such a tragic loss and I am angered by the senselessness of it all. Unfortunately there is nowhere to take out my anger. But then again, this isn't the kind of anger you can really expel.

Sadness: This has come a little more that I have thought about it and the grief is a few days old. For someone that had the ability and strength to touch so many lives in so many positive ways, I am sad for those that didn't get to know Ross as well as they could have and those that will never have their lives improved for having known him. It is kind of a hollow sadness. My small town and its close knit inhabitants growing up, along with all the people close to my family and our close friends, can be struck deep and have a part of ourselves ripped out by an event like this. I thank heaven that there is such a strong support network and that this newly formed hollow can be filled with love and fond memories to help combat the pain for all affected.


As an instant follow up to this event, my weekend took a turn for the better. Beatrice and Brian were married on Saturday afternoon. I had the honor of playing my guitar at the ceremony for the beautiful song that Beatrice wrote for Brian. Another one of our friends, Lisa, sang the song. As many people commented at the wedding, Lisa has the voice of an angel. It was very moving and I am thankful that Beatrice and Brian allowed me to help share in the moment and celebrate their love. The whole wedding, reception, and party after, helped me work through the negative emotions brought on my Ross's death and fill my heart with joy as one of my close friends here starts her new life with her partner.

Joy: As I mentioned, and as is expected, I felt utter joy at seeing my friends tie the knot. Just seeing the looks on their faces as they joined their lives together was very moving. Beatrice usually has a huge smile on her face that lights up the room but I've never seen her so happy. I know they have found a true love in each other and that brings me great joy.

Hope: Along with the happiness of the whole occasion, I feel a certain hope that comes from the joining of two lives together. Maybe part of it is the sappy part of me that can't seem to find a girlfriend at the moment, but I take pleasure in the belief that there is someone out there for everyone and rejoice in the fact that Bea and Brian have found each other. Now I just have to find my special someone :)

Privileged: This feeling comes from two sources. I feel privileged to be able to take part in their special day and honored that they would allow me to play the special song that Beatrice wrote. I also feel privileged to have such wonderful friends. Not only Beatrice and Brian, and not only those that were at the wedding, but all my friends here, across Canada and around the world. I am blessed with many great friends that I trust and care for absolutely. So much so that I think I often take it for granted. I have friends that I have known for my whole life and are more like family to me. Dan and I have been friends since before we could even eat solid foods and such a rare friendship is not taken lightly. But I also have close friends here in Ottawa that have only become an intricate part of my life in the last 4 years, or even more recently. This group of people has helped shape my development as an adult almost as much as my friends growing up. I am truly blessed to know and have befriended such a wonderful group of people. And I am lucky to have had so many special people touch my life.


I can't express all my feelings here right now because I just don't have the time or words to be able to express myself fully, but know that this is but a sample of the range of emotion I have gone through in the past 5 days. Add on top of all of this my work life and the general happenings of my life from week to week and you can see why I've been a bit of a wreck lately.

Lastly, before I head to bed for some much needed rest, I just want to thank all of you that touched my life and have supported me through everything I do. I only hope I can reciprocate your love and support whenever you need it (and even when you don't).

Rest in peace Ross, you left us long before we were ready to lose you and though you were on this Earth for slightly less than 25 years, the impact you had on those lives that you touched was immense.